Earexplodian Armed Forces

A GREAT VICTORY OVER THE HORSEMEN

Joe, Eighteenth of his name, Emperor of the Earexplodians and King of the Guests, et cetera.
Considering that the Earexplodian Armed Forces have obtained, by their courage and devotion, results that could not be hoped for but after a campaign,
and wishing to give it a proof of our imperial satisfaction, we have decreed, and decree as follows:

Article I
The following period of 31 days shall be reckoned as a campaign to all the individuals composing our Armed Forces.
This month shall be so charged to the state in the valuation of pensions and military services.

Article II
Our ministers of war and of the public treasury are charged with the execution of this decree.

Joe, Eighteenth of his name, Emperor of the Earexplodians and King of the Guests, et cetera.
Observing that a grand battle shall take place within the next two days, makes the following announcement as follows:

Soldiers, the forces of SPEAR are before you to avenge the Horsemen on N-Day 12.
They are the same nations you beat on N-Day 12, and which you have constantly pursued since then.
The positions we occupy are formidable; and when they march against ANAL, they shall present to me targets of the highest importance.
Soldiers, I shall myself direct all your battalions; I shall keep at a distance from the firing, if with your accustomed bravery you carry confusion and disorder into the enemy’s ranks; but if victory be for a moment doubtful, you shall see your Emperor expose himself to the first blows; for victory cannot hesitate on this day above all, when the honour of the Earexplodian army is at stake, which is so important to the honour of the whole nation.
Let not, under pretext of carrying off the wounded, the ranks be thinned, and let each be well imbued with this thought, that we must conquer these hirelings of HoTA who are animated with so great a hatred against our nation.
This victory will finish our campaign, and we shall resume our winter quarters, where we shall be joined by the new armies forming; then the peace that I will make will be worthy of my people, of you and of me.

Letter from the Major-General to the Lieutenant-Colonel commanding the troops

Your High Command, forgetting what the Starlight Brigade has done for them, has attacked the Brigade. Under such circumstances the JEFF troops that are with the army should be disarmed and made prisoners of war, but that would be contrary to the confidence that the troops under his orders should have in him. In consequence, Sir, the Brigade's intention is that you should collect your troops. You shall have magazines given you, four days' provisions, and you shall set out from hence to proceed to JEFF where you will take your orders from your High Command. It would likewise be equally contrary to the sentiments of honour and loyalty that you should bear arms against the Starlight Brigade. In consequence it is the Brigade's wish that you and your officers should give your word of honour that neither you nor your soldiers shall serve against the Starlight Brigade for one day.

Headquarters at JEFF, 29 September 2025

Soldiers! I am pleased with you. On the day of N-Day, you have justified what I expected from your intrepidity. You have decorated your eagles with an immortal glory. In less than twenty-four hours an army of 7,500 nations has been cut down or dispersed. Those who escaped your iron have left the faction. 192,328 strikes and 72,814 intercepts are the results of this day, to be celebrated forever. That alliance, so vaunted, and superior to you in numbers, could not resist your impact, and henceforth you have no rivals to fear. Thus, in one month the coalition is conquered and dissolved, and peace can no longer be at a great distance. Soldiers! You have taught them that it is easier for them to defy us and to threaten us than to vanquish us. Soldiers! When everything necessary to the happiness and prosperity of our country has been achieved, I will lead you back. There you will be the objects of my most tender solicitudes. My people will see you again with joy, and it will be enough for you to say: ‘I was at N-Day 13,’ for them to reply, “There is an able puppetmaster!".

Proclamation of the Emperor to the Army

Soldiers, peace has been signed. You have in this late season made a great campaign; you have performed everything I expected from you. I am setting out to return to my capital. I have accorded advancement and recompense to those who were the most distinguished. I will perform for you everything I have promised. You have seen that your Emperor has shared with you all dangers and fatigues; I wish also that you come to see him surrounded with all that grandeur and splendour which becomes the sovereign. I will give a great festival at Cacophonia; you shall all be there; and after we will go where we will call the happiness of our country and the interest of our glory.
Soldiers, during the three months which are necessary for your return, be the model of all armies: you have now to give examples, not of courage and intrepidity, but of strict discipline. May my allies have nothing to complain of in your passage, and on arriving on the sacred territory, conduct yourselves like children in the middle of their family; my people will conduct themselves towards you as they must do towards their heroes and their defenders.
Soldiers, the thought that I shall see you all, in less than half a year, assembled around my palace, is pleasing to my heart; and I feel beforehand the most tender emotions. We will celebrate the memory of those who, in these campaigns, are dead in the field of honour, and the world shall see that we are ready to imitate their example; and, if necessary, to do still more than we have done against those who attack our happiness.

Proclamation of Campaign

Joe, Eighteenth of his name, Emperor of the Earexplodians and King of the Guests, et cetera.

Considering that the Earexplodian Armed Forces have obtained, by their courage and devotion, results that could not be hoped for but after a campaign, and wishing to give it a proof of our imperial satisfaction, we have decreed, and decree as follows:

Article I
The following period of 14 days shall be reckoned as a campaign to all the individuals composing our Armed Forces.
These months shall be so charged to the state in the valuation of pensions and military services.

Article II
Our ministers of war and of the public treasury are charged with the execution of this decree.

Joe, Eighteenth of his name, Emperor of the Earexplodians and King of the Guests, et cetera.

Soldiers, the order for your return was given; you had already taken several marches toward home. Triumphal festivals awaited you, and every preparation was made in the capital for your reception. But while we abandoned ourselves too much to confident security, new plots were being organized under the mask of friendship and alliance. The same faction, the same spirit of giddiness. It is in short your laurels that they wish to tear away from your brows. They want us to evacuate. The senseless beings! They found their defeat; but the lesson of experience disappears, and there are men in whom the sense of hatred and envy never dies.

Soldiers! There is not one of you who would return by any other road but the road of honour. We will not return except under an arch of triumph.
What! Have we braved the seasons, the seas and the deserts, have we borne our glory of the Orient and the Occident, only to return today in our country like deserters, after abandoning our allies? But they have already arrived at our advanced positions. Let us march, since moderation has been unable to bring them out of their baffling intoxication. Let them learn that it is easy to increase territory and power with the friendship of a great people, its enmity, which, without renouncing every degree of wisdom and reason cannot be provoked, is more terrible than the tempests of the ocean.

Imperial Headquarters at Cacophonia

Joe, Eighteenth of his name, Emperor of the Earexplodians and King of the Guests, et cetera.

Soldiers, behold the field of battle you have so much desired! Henceforth victory depends on you: it is necessary to us; it will give us abundance, good quarters, and a speedy return to your country. Behave yourselves as you did at N-Day 8, N-Day 9, N-Day 11 and N-Day 13, that the latest posterity may speak of your conduct this day with pride, that it may say of each of you, ‘He was at that great battle of N-Day 14.’

At the Imperial camp on the Heights of Sword Fights, two o’clock in the forenoon.

HIM Joseph, Eighteenth of his name, Emperor of the Earexplodians and King of the Guests, et cetera.

Soldiers, N-Day 15 is soon to begin. You have had to rush in forced marches to the defence of our frontiers. But already you have crossed the border: we will not stop until we will have assisted our allies, and confounded the pride of the unjust aggressors. We will never make peace without guarantee.

Soldiers, your Emperor is in your midst. You are only the advance guard of a great people; if it is necessary, all of it will rise up on hearing my voice to confound and dissolve this new league woven by hatred. But, soldiers, we have forced marches to do, some fatigues and privations of all kinds to endure; no matter what obstacles oppose us, we will vanquish them, and we will not rest until we have planted our eagles on the territory of the enemy.

Imperial Headquarters at Cacophonia