The Incredibly Rude Porcines of Tellar is a gargantuan, efficient nation, ruled by Councillor Bera chim Gleer with an even hand, and remarkable for its barren, inhospitable landscape, strictly enforced bedtime, and irreverence towards religion. The hard-nosed, hard-working population of 11.455 billion Tellarites are free to succeed or fail in life on their own merits; the successful tend to enjoy an opulent (but moralistic) lifestyle, while the failures can be seen crowding out most jails.

The relatively small, corrupt government prioritizes Defense, with Industry, Education, and Administration also on the agenda, while Welfare and Environment are ignored. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Telemachus. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 30.8%.

The frighteningly efficient Tellarian economy, worth a remarkable 2,493 trillion credits a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Arms Manufacturing, Retail, and Soda Sales. Black market activity is rampant. Average income is an amazing 217,647 credits, but there is a significant disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 807,429 per year while the poor average 41,267, a ratio of 19.6 to 1.

Foreign nationals are widely distrusted, older citizens lament over the loss of law and order, the nation refuses to provide international aid, and chicken farmers must rise before the sun every day to gag their cockerels. Crime, especially youth-related, is all-pervasive, perhaps because of the country's complete lack of prisons. Tellar's national animal is the dog, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Four Feet Good.

Tellar is ranked 286,358^th in the world and 123^rd in Federation of Martian Colonies for Most Primitive, scoring -462.57 on the Scary Big Number Scale.