The Holy Empire of Donttreadonmeistan is a gargantuan, efficient nation, ruled by The Chief Executive Pope with an iron fist, and notable for its rum-swilling pirates, smutty television, and otherworldly petting zoo. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, humorless, devout population of 12.726 billion Donttreadonmeistanis are rabid consumers, partly through choice and partly because the government tells them to and dissenters tend to vanish from their homes at night.

The minute, corrupt, pro-business government, or what there is of one, juggles the competing demands of Defense, Industry, and Spirituality. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Libertopia. Income tax is unheard of.

The frighteningly efficient Donttreadonmeistani economy, worth a remarkable 4,138 trillion shekels a year, is driven almost entirely by the private sector, which is broadly diversified and led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with major contributions from Retail, Gambling, and Soda Sales. Average income is an amazing 325,222 shekels, but there is a vast disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 2,370,086 per year while the poor average 13,914, a ratio of 170 to 1.

The military is plagued with unethical researchers, lonely people are supposed to be cheered up by the many parties that they are never invited to, the government runs a surplus by selling its citizens, and edgy teens know that illegal discos are where the cool cats hang. Crime, especially youth-related, is all-pervasive, with the police force struggling against a lack of funding and a high mortality rate. Donttreadonmeistan's national animal is the leftist commie-hippie, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is The Church of Lord Economos.

Donttreadonmeistan is ranked 271,060^th in the world and 9,759^th in Osiris for Most Primitive, scoring -247.69 on the Scary Big Number Scale.