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sorry if a lot of what I say it's misinterpreted. it's my fault, i do not really know how to communicate and express what I really think. That and my social isolationism began since I moved from Mexico to the USA, because even when we were told we were going to do that, I did not like it... but we did it anyways. all of the friends that I have are because they were the ones who approached me, people that I met through the ENL (ESL) program, and those who were friends of my friends. I lost my friends of mexico, I have not talked to them in years, and I do not feel comfortable beginning to talk to them after all that time. I am sad about loosing my life, and that destroyed me emotionally. I now live a happy life, but I always get sad whenever I remember the fact that this is not the life I cherished as a kid, I sometimes wish I could go back and live as my little ol' me, to go back and make everything of each day. I am crying as I write this jesus.

before I used to talk to people, stay up late with my friends out. my mom had to go out and tell me to get back inside. everyday talking to my friends in lunch, waiting for my brother to pick me up from school. I hated reading, it was my bane. I loved talking in the middle of the class, make jokes, and try to help the new kids. I was maybe a little too forward. I was always happy. Not a day in which i had to say "my life sucks.". I played hide and seek, tag, soccer, dodgeball. I loved playing in the school too. I could run my mouth for ages,

then I came here. I did not feel confident with my english. I was worried people were gonna think I was weird. I did not like to go out. I did not like to talk. I was silent in class, I did not like being the center of attention. I loved to read, I was the new kid. I felt uncomfortable, or maybe even scared in a world unknown to mine. the first weeks I cried myself into sleep (i was 12 atm), I missed my family. It began to be difficult to contact my friends from mexico. I hate sports and physical activities.

right now, I have grown up. I use glasses because my eyesight sucks. I let my hair long, and some people confuse me with a woman, huh. I feel uncomfortable around people if there is not someone I know around, I feel vulnerable. I have anxiety, addicted to coffee, and books. I like to sleep huddled against the corner with the door half opened. I stopped liking my once favorite amusement park. I began eating even more than before. I love being in bed. Silence makes me feel anxious, darkness makes me feel anxious, solitude makes me feel anxious.

I wish I could be the me from before, in my life of now. I wish I could have passed more time with my friends, with the people I most probably will not see ever again in my life. The people I thought would always be a part of my life. It's been 4 years. and I feel that in the future, when I go to visit Tijuana. The Tijuana I will see will be a city strange to me, not the city I was born and raised in, the city where my life was, but a city that will only bring out the fact that my life is gone, and that I will never have it back, and that if I want to keep living I have to move on, and focus in the life I have right now, but that only makes it more painful.

- sorry for the rant. I felt like I wanted to take it off my system, and now that I have written all that, erasing it will just make me bang my had against the wall. Good night.