The Incorporated States of Function Key is a massive, safe nation, renowned for its closed borders. The quiet, industrious population of 2.368 billion Function Keyians are highly moralistic and fiercely conservative, in the sense that they tend to believe most things should be outlawed. People who have good jobs and work quietly at them are lauded; others are viewed with suspicion.

The medium-sized government juggles the competing demands of Law & Order, Defense, and Welfare. The average income tax rate is 29.4%, but much higher for the wealthy.

The large but inefficient Function Keyian economy, worth 100 trillion Keys a year, is led by the Beef-Based Agriculture industry, with major contributions from Book Publishing, Basket Weaving, and Information Technology. State-owned companies are common. Average income is 42,318 Keys, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.4 times as much as the poorest.

Baby dolls thrown in the trash are a leading cause of panic attacks, Leader spends weekends doing the laundry of foreign leaders, funding for education has been redirected into the military, and being nicknamed "Orange Face" has done Leader's credibility no favours. Crime is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Function Key's national animal is the Caps, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests.

Function Key is ranked 279,103^rd in the world and 41^st in Boston for Largest Gambling Industry, scoring -8.27 on the Kelly Criterion Productivity Index.