The United Commonwealth of Burnzland is a gargantuan, safe nation, ruled by King Michael III with an iron fist, and remarkable for its parental licensing program, smutty television, and unlimited-speed roads. The hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical, humorless, devout population of 28.926 billion Burnzlandians are ruled with an iron fist by the corrupt, dictatorship government, which oppresses anyone who isn't on the board of a Fortune 500 company. Large corporations tend to be above the law, and use their financial clout to gain ever-increasing government benefits at the expense of the poor and unemployed.

The medium-sized, corrupt, pro-business, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Law & Order, Defense, and Spirituality. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of New Absalon. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 56.6%.

The frighteningly efficient Burnzlandian economy, worth a remarkable 5,342 trillion Burnzlandian crowns a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with major contributions from Automobile Manufacturing, Uranium Mining, and Woodchip Exports. Average income is an impressive 184,691 Burnzlandian crowns, but there is a significant disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 653,748 per year while the poor average 37,673, a ratio of 17.4 to 1.

The government believes in trickle-down happiness, an increasingly villainous series of sports coaches are demanding the national mascot's true identity, the government is outsourcing itself, and scorched earth tactics have left many a noble estate in smoldering ruins. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to the all-pervasive police force. Burnzland's national animal is the Eagle, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to toxic air pollution, and its national religion is Roman Catholicism.

Burnzland is ranked 5,871^st in the world and 13^th in United Kingdom for Most Primitive, scoring 114.37 on the Scary Big Number Scale.