The Totally Naked Fraternity

It may seem odd to the casual observer that there exists a nation of naturalists in the Antarctic. Most tourists cannot fathom how a nation in such a cold climate can walk around without clothing (this is a good thing because they generally stop their inquiries at this point and never get to the point where we still think tourists tase great, especially with BBQ sauce).

So let us address the first problem. Let us consider an astronaut in space. When an astronaut leaves the spaceship to the vacuum of space, what does he or she wear? A suit and a tie perhaps? No, he or she wears an environmental space suit. They do not walk around their spaceship and space stations in those space suits, do they? The extreme conditions of space not only require such protective gear, but it also generally means that they do not tend to casually walk into space often.

It is important to understand that the weather in Antarctica is extremely cold, often well below the freezing point of water (especially when wind chill factors are considered). In the cities, buildings are directly connected to each other. In the suburbs, housing units will have “docking ports” to allow a person to go from the environmental protection of their van to the environmental protection of the buildings. The cities and suburbs are more designed like a “Moon Base Alpha” than a conventional city.

So given the extreme nature of the outside weather, consider the environmental impact of sustaining an environment comfortable for several layers of clothing as opposed to no layers of clothing. Just because it is cold outside does not mean you cannot be tropical inside. Both temperature and humidity are designed for the optimal conditions for the naked human body.

There are exceptions to every rule. The first exception is environmental suits, clearly needed to walk outside. Bullet resisting vests are most logical for enforcers of the law. Athletes will often have necessary protection pads as well. Just because we are totally naked does not mean we are totally stupid. Besides, it makes the military and law officers easier to spot.

The biggest worry tourists have in the Totally Naked Fraternity is the loss of “ID.” The notion of “papers please” just smacks of third world totalitarian dictators and we much prefer the first world kind. Everyone has (or can obtain) a biometric identification profile allowing a simple palm print to vouch for a person’s identity. As a result, we are a cashless society. There is little need to carry things because everything can be ordered online and delivered to your door. Cloud based systems allow you to access the web from any kiosk located in the cities. If you do need to carry small things, technically “fanny packs” do not count as clothing. Neither do backpacks. Few natives have need of such things so using them is a clear indication that you are a tourist (and potentially very tasty).

On the flip side, hot tubs are everywhere. They are about as common as bars. Sonic showers, air dryers, it is amazingly easy to always be clean in the Totally Naked Fraternity. In addition, the environmental impact of not having to process millions of gallons of detergent filled wastewater because of washing clothes has been a major boom to the economy and the environment.

To conclude being totally naked in the Antarctic is no different than being totally naked on Moon Base Alpha, or on the NX-01 Enterprise (admit it, you only watched that show because of all the scenes in the decontamination rooms). Us Werepenguins are all used to it and it makes the tourists much easier to spot. (You know if you wore less clothing you might be motivated to exercise more as well; that flab is not good for your long-term health.)

As the words of our “second national anthem” states …