THE MAD SURFER
The Official Newspaper of the 10000 Islands
July 2020
"News travels fast in places where nothing much ever happens."
-Charles Bukowski Weather: sunny
Water temp: perfect!
Waves: nice medium swell
XKI CASINO IS BACK!!
Okay, you've heard us say this before. We have loudly trumpeted the return of everybody's favorite Casino in the past, only to find we have only heralded a false alarm. But gamblers are already winning big tacos at Unlimited Roulette (Laissez les Bon Temps Rouler!) and 10000 Islands Cash Lottery (Prizes up to 20,000,000 Tacos). All this in addition to Blackjack and Slots! The good times never end at XKI Casino! Some of XKI's prominent citizens made a significant proportion of their filthy lucre at this very Casino. Pony up and place your bets! Get while the gettin's good!
POLITICS
July Senate Elections
-Himes West: Current Senator Marxist germany(TCP) has declined the opportunity to repeat. Running in his stead for TCP is Wille-Harlia. Quick to join the melee was WIP candidate Krystalveil.
-Lyonesse East: LE presents voters with a busy field, as Thedairos(TCP), Free las pinas(MSPP), and Haivon(WIP) all declared their candidacy as soon as the Election Board opened its doors.
Good luck to all candidates. It warms our collective heart to see such a busy field.
The spirit of political debate is alive and well in XKI. Minister of Labor @humansanity posed a plethora of puzzling questions for our candidates: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39524/senate-candidates-7-20. To make sure they were all paying attention, citizen @flyingeagles had a few questions of his own: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39528/senate-election-question-balance-powers. No sandbagging in this election! Candidates all made their respective statements to the press and public; be sure to check those out to keep these guys honest!
Whoever you preference, make your opinion count...VOTE!!
The Council of Nine
Last Updated: July 1st, 2020
Chief Executive: Markanite
Delegate: Kuriko
Minister of Labor: Human Sanity
Minister of Immigration: THX1138
Minister of Education: The tasmanian islands
Senior Senator for Himes West: Marxist germany
Senator for Lyonnesse East: The United Royal Islands of Euramathania
Senator for New Republica South: Controlitia
Senator for Blue Canaria North: Grea Kriopia
--Deputy Minister of Education: Wille-Harlia
--Deputy Minister of Immigration: Haivon
--Deputy Senator for Himes West: Central russia
BUSINESS NEWS
Certainly, the world has never been stranger than it has in the last few months, and alarmists and survivalists have surfaced everywhere. As a result the survival shelter business has been booming. But Mysterious money magnate Mortimer M. Mortimer has already covered that:
Due to a variety of different events and challenges that have occurred in 10000 Islands recently, it has become fashionable among certain parts of the populace to create and populate survival bunkers. As this trend has gained traction, like-minded people moved closer together, and expressed a desire to live more normal lives - but underground. Entrepreneurs quickly started building and selling underground areas for commerce and creating places to eat and drink. These underground commerce centers quickly became small cities. Due to this sudden uptick in demand, Underground Cities have become more valuable and earned Islanders that own them 250 tacos per each.
Mortimer Printout - July 2020
Economic Outlook
Sector: 1 - National Improvements
Item: Underground City
Bonus: 250 Ŧ
Mitigation: N/A
Adjustment: N/A
Stock Market:
From 01-June-2020 to 30-June-2020
Average Change: -8,076 Ŧ
Percent Change: -17%—Stocks Decline
Average Dividend (Base/Dividend): (325/270)
The stock report in its entirety can be perused at your leisure over a nice cup of Earl Grey, here:
https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39493/hunker-bunker-july.
XKI Space Program
Just in case you’ve been living out beyond the orbit of former planet Pluto, we have a news flash that will get your attention anywhere in the solar system:
A picture is worth a thousand words, which won’t stop us on the verbal front either, as we loudly proclaim this major event in XKI history. Last month saw our first probes and initial colonization of several segments of the Moon. July repeated that refrain, soon to be a familiar one, and more Islanders lifted off to claim more lunar real estate: Paffnia, Hakketomat, Jabberwocky, New Fjordland, and THX1138. Much to everyone’s surprise, payouts have already been made based upon material and scientific discoveries. Everyone will be jumping on this extraterrestrial bandwagon; launch requests have already been made for the next cycle. Don’t be left behind!
BEHIND THE NATION
This month’s eye opening interview centers about affable TITO XO, the inimitable Aschente.
TMS: What country are you from?
Asch: I am from Michigan in the United States
TMS: What’s the grossest food you ever had to eat to be polite?
Asch: The grossest thing I've ever had to eat to be polite was a sandwich I had picked from a plate at a volunteer thing labeled turkey. It had neglected to mention that it had like 7 pounds of horseradish on it and I struggled to eat half of it before someone started talking and I was able to ignore it in favor of listening to the person.
TMS: Who is your favorite musician?
Asch: I don't really have a favorite musician. I listen to a fair amount of electric music though.
TMS: What afterschool activity did you quit as a kid, and why?
Asch: I never really quit an after school activity. I was fairly active in the av club through highschool.
TMS: If you could turn the ocean into a liquid other than water, which one would you pick?
Asch: some sort of fruit punch probably. You can't really do carbonated things cause it would go flat and I'm not a fan of cold tea.
TMS: What is your favorite conspiracy theory? And do you believe in it?
Asch: my favorite conspiracy theory is easily that earth is flat. If you dig into it there are some insane things they say to attempt to convince others. And I certainly do not believe it.
TMS: Do you have a favorite author? If you could make them write for any TV show which TV show would it be?
Asch: It's a solid tie between Jim Butcher and Rick Riordan. Though I'm not sure I would want them in charge of the shows. Their writing is very detailed and visual adaptations never do justice to stuff like that.
TMS: If you could ban 1 food from the face of the planet what would you ban?
Asch: Any sort of fish. I hate 99% of it.
TMS: What is your favorite hobby?
Asch: video games are probably my favorite hobby. Especially now that I've started streaming on twitch a few days a week, it takes up a lot of my time.
TMS: What vice could you never give up?
Asch: probably junk food... I am trying to eat less of it but I would never be able to fully stop lol
TMS: If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
Asch: If fantasy animals are allowed then a dragon would be my choice, otherwise I would say a wolf.
TMS: What will be the title of your autobiography?
Asch: "Why are you reading this biography" or something. I haven't done anything super interesting in life. Not yet at least.
Thank you for the compelling insight into what makes Mr. A tick.
THE LITERATI
Faithful readers will remember this column featuring local and visiting writers with a literary inclination. We discontinued the column due to lack of contributions, but Emoticonius has resurrected his thread, to our great delight. At that time, we had printed, among other notable short pieces, two parts to a piece that Emoticonius called Totes. We're happy to announce the arrival of the third instalment. Here it is:
Totes #3
Shoppingby
Emoticonius It's been two days now. Just two days and yet it feels like an eternity. To think just two days ago he'd been blown up AND LIVED TO TELL THE TALE! He looked at himself in the mirror and couldn't help but think aloud, "You sure don't look like you were blown up." Turning back to his computer he came to the realization that he had been given a gift! He had an obligation to use this gift for good! But he couldn't just run around hitting people with his backpack. Not looking like he always does at least.
"It's bound to get messy and there's no way my allowance would be able to cover the cost of a damaged car or a hole in the wall. I'll need a disguise." Looking over to his computer he realized something, "I don't need a disguise...I NEED A COSTUME!" The only place in town that sold costumes was Old Man Elm's Nightmare Emporium and it wasn't gonna open for another eight months! Plus there's no way Old Man Elm would have anything that wasn't made of cheap material. Kyle knew he'd need something a little sturdier. He also knew that his budget wasn't exactly limitless. He couldn't afford to get some kinda awesome suit made from a complex material that was both bullet proof and flame resistant like that of The Obsidian Knight, Chiroptera Man or The Man of Titanium, Superb Man.
He'd have to make due with what his savings from work could get him. He had $400. Hardly enough for a state-of-the-art crime fighting costume. Fortunately for him, the internet had an abundance of people with the skills to build something passable and the will to be a bit flexible with the price. So he logged onto Amazoness Dime and spent the next couple hours scouring it for someone offering their services. It took a while but he found someone offering to do just that. Someone with the username "Ambuscade Ant521982." And for the staggering price of...$19.85!? "There must be a zero missing or a misplaced decimal point. He has a lot of glowing reviews. They all say that his attitude is poor but his products are outstanding. For just under $20 though how could he pass it up? So he contacted Ambusace Ant521982.
"Are you sure your listing was correct? High quality costumes for...$19.85?" As if starting a sales pitch, Ambuscade Ant went on a spiel about it, "That's right, my friend! High quality costumes for the amazing price of $19.85! I know it sounds a bit high but I assure you it is worth every penny! With my products you'll be the envy of everyone at Comic Con. Better yet you'll be fighting crime and flying off the shelves faster than The Red Blur!"
Kyle felt a bit awkward at the sound of it. "Fighting crime? Oh no, you're mistaken. I just want a great costume for Halloween. You're such a kidder, Mr. Ant! He he he he." Whatever you say, kid. You do you. And because I'm such a nice guy, I'll take the cash on delivery. I've already talked with the writer and I know your specifications *exactly.* It'll be at your door in six to eight seconds or your money back." Ambuscade Ant ended the call immediately. "Wait, what?" Kyle looked around frantically, "What are you talking about, Mr. Ant?"
He looked out the window. Lo and behold a Redex truck parked in front of the house. Kyle ran downstairs as fast as he could. He couldn't let his mom find out about it. His amazing new career as a crime fighter would be dead on arrival! Lucky for him she was still out buying dog food. He opened the door so fast he nearly startled the driver. "That'll be $19.85. The sender has already paid for shipping." As frantically as he could Kyle handed the driver $20, "Keep the change."
The driver rolled his eyes as the door was slammed in his face, "Oh boy what am I gonna do with this vast fortune you've bestowed upon me?" Kyle hurried back to his room and opened the box like it was Christmas. Much to his surprise there was indeed a high quality crime fighting costume inside. It felt like one anyways. Not that he knew what one felt like. Even more amazing, it was exactly what he had in mind! From the mask resembling a brown paper bag with a grin bigger than you've ever seen all the way to the stretchy yet somehow durable tote bag that at first looks like an ordinary Meal Ticket brand tote bag. but upon being turned inside out it has written on it in big black letters, "Totes!" It closed securely too to prevent objects from falling out of it. It seemed too good to be true. Yet somehow it was definintely true! Now all that's left is to make his debut. But where was he gonna find a crime in his quiet little mountain town? "It's a shame the bombing happened before I got my powers. I could have made my debut there and maybe stopped a bombing at the same time."
As if on queue Kyle's phone received a notification from the police. "Everyone in town must have got it. Let's see here. Please avoid the hospital until otherwise directed. There's been an attack by a person or persons unknown resulting in multiple casualties. Anyone seeking medical attention should report to the Outland High School Gymnasium where a triage station has been established." Kyle ran outside and made his way towards the hospital as quickly as he could. "This is my chance! This is my time! This is Kyle's time! I can't wait!"
Incidentally, The W.R.I.T.E. Club is looking for writers to contribute, either prose or poetry. It is entirely likely we at TMS will continue to publish these efforts.
TIC NEWSROOM STIPENDS
Last month we noted the first step in Taco Island Charities Newsroom Stipends, and that TMS was the lucky first recipient of this award. We are pleased to announce that, as a result, The Mad Surfer is, also for the first time, able to pay our staff on a monthly basis. (That sound you hear is our small but vocal staff celebrating) In addition, new writers can now negotiate pay for their efforts. We are looking for…well, just about anything, so if you can wield a pen, apply for the job!
In ancient Greece there were a group of teachers known as Sophists. They were essentially hired intellectual guns for the nobility and for young statesmen to obtain training in subjects considered virtuous at the time. This could range from mathematics to athletics, but most frequently the teachings emphasised the use of the tools of philosophy and rhetoric, and the ability to make convincing arguments. This, in society where thought and language were the fulcrum on which civilization and democracy pivoted.
Sophists can be said to be the precursor to modern day lawyers and were described by Aristophanes as 'hairsplitting wordsmiths'. Plato was no great fan of the Sophists, mainly because they charged for their services instead of sharing their knowledge freely for the betterment of society. They were wealthy, they were aloof, they were argumentative, and they suffered in their time from a deteriorating reputation, much of which they brought on themselves. History has not been kind to the Sophists. Today, words like Sophistry and Sophism have now come to mean deliberately misleading or fallacious arguments, deceitful means to ends, lawyer's tricks, weasel words.
Those who embrace sophistry in its modern context are alive and well today, and are extremely common. Anyone familiar with the 48 Laws of Power will recognize the inherent deceitfulness of the Sophists in terms of what those rules ask of an individual in terms of the language they must use to achieve their goals. These are the modern day gaslighters, demagogues, corporate psychopaths, etc.
Nation States, too, is a society built on words, and as such is not immune from these influences. Sophistry is a commonly used tool, especially in the WA, and particularly in recent arguments about the nature of the Security Council. What the Council has traditionally stood for is under threat from those who would see its mandate weakened. What was once universally abhorred in the SC is now frequently tolerated, and if certain elements have their way, will eventually be celebrated. Our NS society is at the tipping point on that fulcrum of civilization and democracy previously mentioned, and it will be by words that that tipping occurs.
A cautionary word, then, about the demagogues in our midst, and their seemingly reasonable but ultimately destructive and self-serving arguments. A reminder, to be vigilant and to beware of that which undermines the Council in its mission and mandate to provide security to the vulnerable regions of Nation States. An appeal, to fortify that mandate through your democratic vote in not applauding or excusing those who do harm to other regions, but rather to hold them to account for their choices and their actions.
Which brings us to June's first resolution, in review…
SCR#310 "Commend Crushing Our Enemies": The latest in Jakker's ongoing efforts to undermine the Security Council and render it inert. Despite being rejected by voters in a previous incarnation, this resolution was revised in true sophist form to both obscure reality and exploit the uninitiated. 75% supported the commendation, at least as it stands as a work of fiction.
GAR#491 "Rights of The Employed": Not quite as advertised, this resolution was less concerned with enhancing the rights of the employed and more concerned with enhancing the rights of a very select few among the employed. It wasn't very comprehensive. It was exceptionally agendist and overtly political. It barely passed, and there are a variety of reason why it should be repealed and replaced with better law.
SCR#371 "Commend 9003": In somewhat the same vein as Commend CoE above, albeit to a lesser degree, 9003 is a nation with a lot of admirable accomplishments in their region and in NS writ large, but there's that raider activity that's tough to overlook. Like Commend CoE, the supporting vote was about 75%
GAR#492 "Proper Hygiene For Medical Instruments": While I didn't care much for last month's repeal of 'Ensuring Safe Syringe Use', it did pave the way for this quite excellent piece of legislation. The scope of this resolution was much broader and laid down some universal rules for safer medical practice. 91% support.
SCR#312 "Repeal: 'Liberate Iran'": Another purpose built Kuriko special, seeking to return the ability to Iran to impose a password as first step toward an eventual clean-up and refound. Dedicated native Iramerica submitted the ask and 88% of voters were on-side with the plan.
GAR#493 "Language and Education Rights for Deaf Individuals": Title pretty much says it all. Good bit of business and loads of support with 94% voting in favour.
SC[b] "Commend Apulita" (did not pass): Seeking to celebrate the target's accomplishments in the Warzone community, but unfortunately there wasn't a lot else in terms of wider contributions to the community. 75% voted against, mainly because it was a bit too niche.
[b]GAR#494 "Regulating Desalination": Mostly harmless. It didn't strike me as legislation that was needed, but it certainly didn't do any harm, and passed with a little over 2/3 support..
SC "Repeal 'Condemn Vandoosa'" (did not pass): …and why would it?
GAR#495 "Supporting and Valuing the Humanities": I seem to recall their being an earlier attempt at something similar, but not sure if by the same author. Anyhow, this one got loads of support, and featured a practical plan for promoting sociocultural education throughout the multiverse
SCR#313 "Commend The Salaxalans": Commending the target for their many potato-based accomplishments, as well as leading roles in regional and international politics and diplomacy. Passed easily with wide support.
GA "Standards on Police Accountability" (did not pass): An effort to capitalise on the bad news of the day, this hastily written resolution wasn't very well crafted or well-received. 60% against, although, with that close a margin, a thoughtful rewrite and some time on the forum might produce a viable follow-up.
SCR#314 "Condemn Australian RePublic": An IC condemnation focusing mainly on the target's contributions in issue authorship, albeit not much else. This could have been better written and given more dimension and going the IC route limited that. It may have worked better as a straight commendation, regardless, it still passed with 66% in favour.
GAR#496 "Fair Arbitration Act": Mainly custodial, but still establishing some reasonable rules around the arbitration process, to ensure fair practices and removing the element of duress on bargaining through forced arbitration. Pretty easy choice for most, who passed it with 84% of the vote.
Vote well!
FEATURED NATION
Deputy Minister Sargon reman, just prior to his abrupt departure, appointed our newest Featured Nation, Willeharlia!
The Empire of Wille-Harlia is a huge, socially progressive nation, notable for its museums and concert halls and devotion to social welfare. The compassionate, hard-working, democratic population of 308 million Wille-Harlians hold their civil and political rights very dear, although the wealthy and those in business tend to be viewed with suspicion.
The medium-sized government prioritizes Administration, with Education, Industry, and Welfare also on the agenda. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Cavaliersburg. The average income tax rate is 44.7%, but much higher for the wealthy.
The all-consuming Wille-Harlian economy, worth 27.6 trillion.
To get the whole story, read this: https://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/39309/10000-islands-featured-nation-harlia.
ROOKIE OF THE QUARTER
Just as we were going to press, we received an alert from our InterIslands News Bureau. The Senator of Himes West, Marxist germany, has named the RoQ for this, the third quarter of 2020. The recipient of this award had to rush to this ceremony directly after receiving his Featured Nation Award, the very same Wille-Harlia! Evidently not one to rest on his laurels, Mr. WH was short of breath as he humbly accepted his award.
Dear Sandy, I've been seeing a really nice guy, and agreed to marry him. My mother warned me he was he cheating kind, and told me she had been seeing his car around town. I stopped by his place one evening shortly before the wedding and found him in bed with another woman. He said it was a one-off, and swore he would never do it again. I let him think I believed him. In the meantime, I urged his mother and sister to quickly send off invitations. I maintained the pretense throughout. I let my family and friends know the wedding was off. The day of the wedding, I sat in my car, with my father and brother, down the street from the church, having left a note on the church door: “Stay with Jazmin, you deserve each other.” I took a great deal of delight watching people show up and puzzle it out. Tell me, was I right?
- Vengeance is Mine
Dear Vengeance, ordinarily I don't advise in favor of revenge, but this creep really had it coming. I, too, enjoyed the notion of your would be groom and guests arriving to meet disappointment. My hat's off to you, sister; I couldn't have devised a better plan. It seems calculated, but not unfeeling. Revenge might be a dish served hot after all.
Are you troubled too? Are you one of the many who seek advice for personal or professional problems? Ask Sandy Shoals!
You, too, can be one of the lucky few. Have TMS delivered right to your virtual door: http://10000islands.proboards.com/thread/35671/subscription-sign-list.
The Mad Surfer is:
Staff Writers: Jabberwocky, THX1138, Sandy Shoals, Sherlock Quixote;
Editor in Chief/Circulation/Advertising: Jabberwocky;
Associate Editor: Marxist germany.
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