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by The Neoliberal Post-Democracy of Theconomistan. . 7 reads.

Stock market under threat from wrong type of market manipulation

Shares in the DogeStonk retail chain (DGE) climbed to a record high of 500 fiat petrodollars this morning as vicious small investors irresponsibly continued to pile in, driven by mania fostered on the Blueit social media site. The victims of this brutal attack are innocent hedge funds who had shrewdly shorted the stock a few months prior to the Blueit onslaught, in some cases to the tune of over 9000 times the number of DogeStonk shares in existence. Had the natural order of things prevailed, this innovative play would have netted the funds a modest profit, while simultaneously putting the moribund DogeStonk chain out of its misery. However, Blueit users have vindictively conspired to manipulate the market by buying up DGE shares, thus brutishly threatening the viability of the short plays.

Several innocent hedge funds are now in critical condition and have been placed in intensive care. Mayhem Capital, the fund with the most innovative short position, has been put on a drip of fiat petrodollars, but remains at mortal risk. A candlelight vigil will be held tonight at 8pm.

The position of the Theconomistani government on this issue is clear: this kind of tragedy must never be allowed to happen again. Attacks of this nature pose a dire threat to the freedom of our great hedge funds and market makers to perform noble deeds such as short selling, arbitrage and corners; that these crucial actions should be endangered by opportunist market manipulation is an outrage. Ordinary retail investors need to understand: you are permitted to play the stock market game, you're just not permitted to win it. Until now, we have very graciously allowed you to purchase stocks, but your actions in the past few weeks have shown that you are not responsible enough to be allowed this privilege. Stock trading must be left to the grown-ups. We cannot have share prices fluctuating wildly due to the actions of large groups of small investors; it is only acceptable when it happens due to the actions of a few huge hedge funds.

We have been heartened to see the vast majority of media publications take a constructive position on this situation, soberly warning that retail investors who buy or hold a long position on DGE will experience ruin, tribulation and a plague of frogs. However, a few minor blogs have irresponsibly touted the ludicrous suggestion that there is no reason ordinary people shouldn't be allowed to buy shares in a publicly traded company if they wish to do so. This is obviously an absurd notion. We won't explain why; it's all very technical and the likes of you wouldn't understand.

In related news, fears are growing of a speculative bubble forming in GameCoin, the notorious cryptocurrency. We've not yet come up with a way to shut down trade in cryptocurrencies, but rest assured, we're working on it. In the meantime, our advice remains: don't risk having your savings fall in value by holding them in GameCoin; hold them in fiat petrodollars instead.

RawReport