The Grand Duchy of The Seven Provinces is a gargantuan, environmentally stunning nation, ruled by Spurdo Spärde with a fair hand, and renowned for its otherworldly petting zoo, multi-spousal wedding ceremonies, and sprawling nuclear power plants. The hard-nosed, hard-working, democratic, cheerful population of 20.149 billion Seven Provincians are effectively ruled by a group of massive corporations, who run for political office and provide their well-off citizens with world-class goods and services. Their poorer citizens, however, are mostly starving to death while being urged to go out and get real jobs. The populace has reasonably extensive civil rights, although these are mostly aimed at allowing them to buy whatever they like.

The relatively small, pro-business government prioritizes Education, although Industry, Environment, and Healthcare are also considered important, while Spirituality and Law & Order aren't funded at all. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Benishof. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 48.7%.

The frighteningly efficient Seven Provincian economy, worth a remarkable 4,418 trillion colombian flakes a year, is quite specialized and led by the Tourism industry, with significant contributions from Information Technology, Book Publishing, and Retail. Black market activity is extensive. Average income is an amazing 219,310 colombian flakes, but there is an enormous disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 1,148,035 per year while the poor average 22,476, a ratio of 51.1 to 1.

Terrified neighbors cower behind concertina wire and machine gun nests, city budgets are spent entirely on supporting the town royalty, cremation is compulsory for the deceased, and the government extracts trade concessions from poor nations in exchange for humanitarian aid. Crime, especially youth-related, is pervasive, perhaps because of the country's complete lack of prisons. The Seven Provinces's national animal is the pædobär, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Benism.

The Seven Provinces is ranked 22,736^th in the world and 89^th in Europe for Highest Drug Use, scoring 108.4 on the Pineapple Fondness Rating.